[Filter: Private]
I don't --
Dragons ...
... did he mean it? He offered it. He took it back as quickly as I'd expected him to, but he told me to keep thinking about it. And Dragons, I have. I have every moment of every day. Run away, just -- just run away, and leave all this behind. I haven't been able to get that out of my head all month. And then ... and then, Elizabeth says ...
Do ... do I want to leave all of this?
No. No, of course I don't. I love Megam. I love Lucre. I remember the first time Father brought me to this city with William and Robert. I was just ... amazed. Speechless. I knew right then that I wanted to serve in this city more than anything. Before that, all the pressure to consider being a priest had seemed so stifling, but after I saw Lucre ... it all changed. Whatever else is gone there, gone and dead and all a lie from the start, I still love everything about this city.
There's Ally. I owe her ... a lot more than I want to. I do. I know I do. She's been there for me tirelessly, and I care about her so much. I have to. This would be easy of I just didn't care. Leaving her behind ... could I do that? Could I?
My family, too. My mother -- what would she say? What would she think? And my father ... he's had enough disappointment with me for one life. William and Robert, too. They've been here in Lucre, at the estate, so many times these last few years. It was all happening right under their noses. I made fools of them. Could I live with that? I may not be close with them -- any of them -- but I love them. They're my blood. Family is family.
And Lucius and Tryanna and Lizzie ... they're family, too. More family, in so many ways. If -- if Lucius were to know that I ... that I turned his son into this, Dragons, I ... Elizabeth is constantly acting like he lead me into all of this, but I know Uncle Lucius. I know that it would be the opposite, with him. He always needs someone to blame for everything he sees as being wrong with Destin. And this ...
He said I was almost like a son to him. He won't be saying that, if Maire tells him what I am. What I've done.
This is all I know. This is all I am. And I'm ...
And I'm ... ...
miserable.
[a pause]
Haha.
Hahahaha.
I can't even -- I can't even lie and say I'm happy, here. To myself, in private. When I'm trying to convince myself not to ruin everything. I can't even ...
[a long pause]
I'm not happy, though. I can't ... I can't even remember being happy, not since I was so, so young. It's this place. It gets under my skin. It infects me. Do I really believe that I'm sick, disgusting, abhorrent? Or is it just Lucre in my blood, Megam in my veins, the damn Dragons beating in my heart? You can leave the priesthood, but you can never scour out the way they stuff your head so full of shit that you can't sort your own thoughts out from the ones they put in there. I'm not happy. I've never been happy. Because there's always been that voice telling me I can't be happy, I don't deserve to be happy. Be miserable, Emery, sit there and really hate yourself for how weak you are. You sinful, unclean thing. You evil, selfish deviant. You ... you ...
You ...
[this pause goes on for a very, very long time]
And so now ... what?
The best offer I have is ... convince Destin to make things right with Maire. Say all the right things, and cut myself off from him. And from Elizabeth, and from Lucius and Tryanna. I'd need to leave Lucre. Destin would never agree to behave himself if I were right there under his nose. That would mean forcing Ally to transfer her convent, or just ... leaving her, too. Without having Lucius right there, could I keep my job? Or would he find someone more convenient to take over for me? ... he probably would. He's never been doing me charity. He's practical.
So. That's what I have to look forward to. I give Destin to Maire -- no, to Violet, and the new one. He becomes theirs ... I lose him.
Really, I lose everything.
Hah, but it doesn't fix all the things wrong with me. Because I'll want him there with me. I'll hate every second we're apart. Sinful as ever. Sick as ever. Miserable as ever.
That's what Elizabeth's offer gets me.
Or ...
Or, say all the wrong things.
...
He offered. He withdrew it, but he offered. Run away. Run away from all of this, for good. Burn all the ships and all the bridges and never come back. It's terrifying, but ... but it's something else, too. Exhilarating. Amazing. My heart starts pounding, my palms start sweating, my breath gets short. If we left all of this behind and just went ... could I get the voices to finally shut the hell up?
Who could I become? Who could we become, if we could scrub this damn disease out of ourselves and just be?
Burn it down, salt the earth, scatter the ashes. And walk away. What do I stand to lose, really? I hate myself. I'm miserable.
Can there be anything worse than what I already live with every dragonsdamned day?
...
[Filter: Destin]
Hey.
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